Women in general react to the news that they are pregnant in lots of different ways and can feel various emotions all at one time — feelings such as joy, relief, excitement and apprehension. If you are a woman who experienced abuse, you may feel all of these emotions but you may also experience high levels of anxiety, fear and vulnerability related to the news that you will be having a child.
You may not be ready or feel ready to become a mom. You may not feel that you are in a position to deal with the abuse you survived but are unsure of how "not dealing" with your abuse history might impact your parenting.
You may be afraid that you will not be able to protect your child or might fear that you will hurt your child.
You are not alone... many pregnant survivors of abuse have felt this way and develop into wonderful, responsive and loving mothers.
While you may have reservations about the upcoming birth of your child, you may also be embracing this time as an opportunity to begin your personal path towards transcending the abuse. If you are not sure where to turn or who may assist you in working through abuse issues, please refer to the resources section for ways to locate services in your area.
As a woman in the childbearing year, you may be remembering childhood sexual abuse for the first time. Sometimes, in order to survive, children learn to repress or "forget" that the abuse happened. Well, in pregnancy it can be nearly impossible at times to keep these memories buried. Women have shared with us that the loss of control over their bodies during pregnancy reminded them of earlier experiences where they didn't have control over their bodies. Women who have had counselling related to the abuse prior to becoming pregnant often begin counselling again because there are new issues surfacing related to the abuse that they hadn't thought of before becoming pregnant.
As with other survivors, you may feel like you knew that "something" was there but until you became pregnant you didn't know what that "something" was. It can be very distressing to have these abuse memories surface during what many women would want to be a joyous time in their lives. Like pieces of a puzzle, abuse memories often come back in parts when you may least expect it. They may surface through dreams or be triggered by any of the five senses. You may feel, see, smell, taste or hear something that flashes an image into your mind. A particular place you drive by (e.g. a baseball field) or a person (e.g. a doctor) may also trigger these memories. They are often intrusive and very distressing.
Triggers are best understood as cues you may encounter as you go through your life, that cause a traumatic memory to surface. Sometimes women do not understand that they are being "triggered" and this brings up feelings of intense rage, fear and anxiety. In order to cope with these feelings women start to live in a state of hyperarousal, not knowing when they will experience another trigger. You might feel as though you are always "on-guard" and paranoid that something bad could happen at any moment. You can learn to understand your personal triggers and we know from speaking with many women that there are common triggers in the childbearing year that reminded them of a previous abuse experience.