If you have been the victim of woman abuse in the past, or if you have just left an abusive relationship during your pregnancy, you may be wondering what kind of impact the past abuse might have on your pregnancy, labour and childbirth, postpartum experience and parenting.
We encourage you, first of all, to feel good about the fact that you are no longer being abused. You have survived the ordeal and are now in a position to create a nurturing environment for your baby and yourself, and for any children you already have.
Note:
If you are still experiencing forms of abuse from your ex, or if you have
left your abusive partner during your pregnancy, please see the section
on Ongoing Woman Abuse for steps you
can take to increase your safety while you are still at risk.
If you have not yet had a chance to recover from the trauma of your abuse experience, you may be left with a number of lingering effects to deal with, but we invite you to take heart in the knowledge that, with awareness, knowledge and some processing, you can negotiate a safe passage for yourself through the potential triggers of the childbearing year, begin to transcend any residual challenges you may be facing, and make your childbearing experience a positive one.
Lingering effects on survivors of woman abuse
Lingering effects sometimes experienced by survivors of woman abuse can include the following:
- difficulty trusting others
- low self esteem
- lack of confidence in yourself and difficulty trusting your own intuition
- continued fear for your safety or not knowing how to re-create what "safe" means to you
- hyper vigilance around locking your doors, checking your car, traveling with friends or family, or not disclosing any information about yourself for fear that the abusive ex-partner may "find you"
- struggling with mental health issues (such as depression, anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
If you do experience any of these residual effects of having been abused, let us reassure you that they are normal and often natural consequences of the abuse you endured, and that they do not need to be permanent. There are steps you can take to empower yourself (and any children you have) to negotiate or transcend these impacts.
If you share children with the partner who was abusive to you, there may be additional effects that may surface in your life. It is understandable, for instance, that you might worry about your children's safety and exposure to the other parent, and you may find yourself struggling with permitting your ex partner to have access to your children. There may also be lingering effects on your children themselves.
Lingering effects on children whose mother was abused
Any children you had before or during the abuse may also experience lingering effects once they are removed from the abusive environment. While they are living with abuse, children may be too scared to act out. Once the threat to their safety is removed, they sometimes start behaving in ways that reveal the impact the abuse has had on them. They may, for instance, act aggressively towards you, towards their siblings or towards themselves as they try and process what they have been exposed to, expressing their own hurt and frustration by modeling their behaviour on the abusive parent's inappropriate ways of dealing with emotions.
Although children may not necessarily wish to be separated from their father or father-figure (however abusive), the truth is that children who are exposed to abuse in their home will be traumatized, and the safest home for a child is one where their mom is not being hurt. Because of their own relationship with your ex-partner (whether or not he is their biological father), your children will need time to adjust, and their behaviours are their way of expressing their thoughts, feelings and frustrations with their situation. Remember, though, that children are resilient, and with intervention children who are exposed to woman abuse will thrive once they are provided with the supports they need (i.e. counselling).
