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At a prenatal appointment, ask your caregiver if you can have extra time next visit to talk with them about something you need to share with them (if you feel comfortable doing so). Because appointment times are generally very short (unless you have midwifery care), there may not be time allotted during your routine appointments for such important discussions. You deserve your caregiver's full attention and reasonable time to feel comfortable disclosing... your caregiver may be in a better position to provide it if they have a "heads up."
Getting to know some of your personal triggers can be very empowering. It can be helpful to explore with a Birth Counsellor as many of the possible scenarios that could arise which could trigger unwanted feelings. This can assist you in strategizing ways in which you can either avoid or minimize the trigger. For instance, if you are concerned about being seen naked by unknown caregivers, your counsellor can explore with you ways to make this more do-able. Some suggestions might be to pack your own two-piece pair of p.j.'s, bring a housecoat, pack a bathing suit for the tub, write your concern in your birth plan. It would probably be very helpful for you to know under what circumstances you would need to be unclothed (if any), how much would be exposed and what your rights are. An important part of your work with a counsellor can be finding out just what is necessary and what is not necessary.
Most sexual assault centres will offer counselling to women who have experienced sexual abuse, assault or harassment at any time in their lives, including childhood. Speaking with a trained counsellor can really assist you in working through the impacts of your abuse. Centres usually offer both individual and group counselling programs and some will also have childcare provided during group programs. Crisis lines can also provide you with immediate support during times when you feel unable to manage and need someone skilled to talk with "in the moment", 24 hours a day. It is good to have these numbers kept somewhere where they are easy for you to find in a crisis.
Women can find it very healing to attend counselling with other women who have survived sexual abuse because isolation is often a direct by-product of abuse. You can receive support from other group members and build friendships that last once the group has ended. Group counselling can be an important source of support once individual counselling is finished or while on a waitlist for individual counselling.
It can be helpful for you to learn some tools that work for you when you sense yourself beginning to panic. Some women find it useful to repeat a phrase over and over, such as "I am safe" until the feeling subsides. You might want to keep track of the times and places that you most often feel panic or anxiety to see if there are any patterns that may assist you in anticipating these incidents. Some women enjoy journaling and drawing. There are many great books available to help assist you in working through anxiety and panic. You may also wish to speak with your doctor for a referral to someone who specializes in this area if medication may be something you want to explore. Remember to be an informed consumer and come prepared with a list of questions about the potential risks involved with any medication and what alternatives are available.
Learning to care for yourself is an important step in reclaiming yourself and a great way to look after your physical and mental health. Chemicals that are released while you exercise can help you to feel good about yourself and your changing body. It doesn't take much to get the benefits of exercise but you should start out slow if you haven't been previously active. Exercise in pregnancy has been linked with reducing back pain, swelling, constipation, and with quicker postpartum recovery, and can be an important tool in battling depression. Remember to consult your doctor or midwife before beginning any exercise program and allow your body to fully recover after the birth before resuming your program.
Doulas are women who are professionally trained to provide informational, emotional and physical support to women and their families through pregnancy, labour and birth and early postpartum, in a non-clinical capacity. Women survivors of abuse benefit particularly from the services of a doula because of the continuity of care they provide, non-biased information about all options available and support for informed choice decision-making. A doula will assist you in making the decisions that are right for you and respect you for those decisions. This allows you to have control and ownership over your life in a way you may not have experienced before. Postpartum doulas who provide in-home support to new families are also an invaluable asset. Providing education and support around newborn care, running errands, doing light housekeeping and providing adult companionship are all indispensable services postpartum doulas can perform.
Each person has warning signs that their stress level is rising. These are indicators that help you to "do something" before you become too overwhelmed. Some of the signs are physical, such as headaches, back pain, breath holding and sweating. Others warning signs are behavioural signs, such as raising your voice, screaming, slamming doors etc... This is the time to work with the grounding tools you have learned with a focus on calming yourself down and slow your breathing. When your stress level is high it can be difficult for you to see "the big picture" and to make good decisions.
Explore what resources will be available to you once your baby is born before your baby is born. You might want to drop in and get a "feel" for various New Mom groups and drop-in centres to find the one that is right for you. Investigate what challenges there might be in getting to a group, such as the location or fees involved. When you are fatigued and overwhelmed with the normal demands of a new baby and the learning involved with becoming a mother, it can seem like too much to try and locate community services at that time.
Who are the people in your life that you are able to call on once your baby is born? Many women say that they will have help available but haven't given any real thought to whom they would be comfortable designating certain tasks to. For instance, who could you call in the night? Who would you trust to watch your baby so you could get a quick nap? What is the number to public health services and what are their hours of operation? Who can do laundry? Who can pick-up groceries? Who can you call in a crisis?
Children who are abused can have great difficulty understanding what the role of a mother is. You may be extremely concerned that you will hurt your child or will not be able to protect your child from harm. You may be so afraid of harming your child that you become extremely protective, passive and reluctant to discipline or set boundaries with your child. You may be afraid of holding or comforting your child. These feelings are normal but can really impact healthy attachment and child development. Please consult a public health nurse, early childhood educator, social service worker with a specialty in child development or a trusted, safe role model in your life if you are worried that you will not know how to make safe choices for your baby.
Taking care of your baby, means taking care of yourself. With a newborn baby this can feel like an impossible task but just minutes of self-care a day can do wonders for your ability to cope with the demands of being a new mom. You can take a bath, go for a short walk, read a book... whatever you can squeeze into your day to give you a bit of time and space. If you are a single-parent it is going to be even more difficult to find this time. Think about whom you could ask for help. All new moms need to ask for assistance now and again, and you need not feel like you have to go at it alone.
There are certainly times when the cries of your baby may bring up intense feelings of frustration. You may have fed, changed and rocked your baby and do not know what else to do. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed and are afraid that you may hurt your baby, place the baby somewhere safe, such as a crib, and call a friend or family member or a local crisis number. If there is not a specific New Parent support line available in your community, call any mental health crisis line which can provide crisis intervention and referrals.
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